the end of an era

So, here it is, the last day of my mat leave. I always knew this day would come, but did I think it would come this fast? Hell no. I'm going to make the best of it (staying inside because it's -18 outside and I'd like Mateo to keep his fingers).

I always find it interesting that going to bed at night and waking up in the morning are so very different. When I put my head down last night, I was on the verge of tears, head pounding, mind racing. When I woke up this morning, it took me a few minutes to remember that I'd even been upset. That happened often after my dear friend Tanya passed away in 2009. It still happens sometimes; I have to remind myself that she's gone. I wish we could live in those brief moments of ignorant bliss all the time... but that wouldn't be very healthy, would it.

I'm watching Mateo on the monitor as he naps (yes, I'm one of those paranoid first-time moms with a video monitor), wondering what fun we'll have this afternoon. It'll probably be like any other day we've spent this past year, but for me it will be different. I know I will still see him every day, and spend full days with him on weekends, but I can't help but feel the presence of the word "goodbye".

Calling my maternity leave an "era" may be a tad dramatic, but for me, it was. And now that it's over, I know I have to find a way to transition into this next one...without spending every waking minute with my precious baby boy. You can bet though, that he'll always be on my mind. Whether I'm interviewing the Queen of England (that would be cool), or sifting through footage of a Brian Melo concert, Mateo will be in my thoughts. And while I know each year will go faster than the last, he will ALWAYS be my baby.

checking the time

Right now my clock says 11:11pm. Since my teen years, I've always made a wish when I see those numbers...and up until February 8th, 2010, those wishes were usually for myself. That was the day everything changed; I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy named Mateo and I was suddenly willing to give all of my wishes to him.

Almost a year has passed (so cliche, but where does the effing time go??), and I'm days away from returning to work. While I can honestly say I love my job (I'm a reporter/producer for "Always Good News" on CTS), I'm anxious - and not in a good way - about relinquishing my control of Mateo's day-to-day activities. I'm extremely fortunate because my mom has agreed to care for him while my hubby and I are at work, but the fact remains: I will be missing so much. What if he takes his first steps? Says his first real word ("Dada", "Yaya", "Baba" and most exciting, the recent "Mama" are pretty much the only sounds he makes)? Feeds himself? Goes on his first date? Ok, getting ahead of myself... but you see where I'm going with this. How is a working mother supposed to balance her life in a way that is fullfilling on all levels? How am I supposed to avoid stretching myself too thin? How will I handle missing these monumental moments?

So much has happened, so much has really changed in the last year, and I'm looking to the future with glasses as rosy as I can get them. And while I'm in many ways dreading the end of my maternity leave, I look forward to meeting people doing good things while I tell their stories for the show.

My clock now says 11:26, but when 11:11 comes around again, I'll make another wish for Mateo. But I can't tell you what it is, or it won't come true.